Found this online and felt it necessary to share. This is not wrestling related but this is my blog and I do what I want. Wrestling with Myself is about my experience as a professional wrestler. It’s also about the every day struggles wrestlers face while trying to do what they love and entertain. Depression and Anxiety have been a huge part of my life. These feelings, at times, can seem inescapable. I remember a time when I desperately needed to read something like this.
Throughout my life I have dealt with many hardships, things I’d rather not say out loud. I have done many things I regret, also things I’d rather not say out loud. I also have quite a temper. On top of all that, I’ve never been involved with something that I felt like I truly belonged in. With all of these combined, my depression and anxiety put me in a very lonely, dark place. My anger got worse, and when you are in a lonely place and full of anger, that anger has no one to turn on except yourself.
Wrestling has helped me manage some frustrations and depression, along with getting some other external help, I am in a much better place these days. I have recently learned how little black and white there is in life. Life is full of grey. Which on the surface sounds like a terrible thing, but it is actually wonderful. The idea of grey in the world has given me the opportunity to forgive myself. Bad choices and bad decisions don’t decide your life, they don’t make you a bad person. You wake up and try again. It’s just like wrestling, you had a bad match? don’t focus on it too much, you have a match tomorrow, make the best of the match in front of you. It is my hope that this will find anyone who needs to read it and that they may find whatever it is that they love.
What happens once you kill yourself? Because I’m ready to go.
You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself
but you killed everyone else around you too.